Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Importance of Being Whipped (or whatever it takes to get what you need)!
In a recent post I asked different things about your punishment; what is your favorite, what don't you like, how you most often get punished, etc. Although there haven't been a lot of comments compared to the larger number of people reading the post, I have received some direct e-mails. I've got enough e-mails that I thought I should do a post that addresses them. The questions I'm asked in those are how do I discuss with my slaves what punishments they like and don't like, what did I ask to find out that they can't tolerate as much right before their periods, if a slave doesn't like the punishment I'm particularly fond of would I stop seeing the slave, or ignore her feelings and do whatever I want, or find another solution (another slave?)?
Okay, I would have to say that in most cases the answers to these questions become apparent over time and while I think the direct approach of a discussion is valuable, some people cannot put into words what are their preferences, but they do become apparent, both to the submissive and the discerning Master. S is the only submissive to ever specifically address individual punishment implements and styles of punishment. She told me that the cane and paddle hurt the most and that it was difficult for her to handle it if I was going to hit the same spot two or more times in a row. She said as long as I moved the strikes around as I did the punishment and id not strike too rapidly she could handle any implement and any amount of force I chose to administer. M has brought up what hurts the most, tight clamps on the very tips of her nipples, severe and rapid paddling of her ass with the heavy wooden sorority paddle she bought me as a present, and anal penetration with large objects. She was not making a judgment or asking for any changes, she was just letting me know how things felt. I have to admit when a slave can handle it, I enjoy a rapid paddling or caning with very little pause between strokes but since I'm very comfortable working within a slave's limits that's not something that I do very often. M. and K. could handle it occasionally, Kayla thought she could handle it but found she could not and I didn't have to even attempt to subject with the others as it's very clear they could not handle that. I have found that while there are things I enjoy with people who can handle them I don't really miss them with people who cannot. I believe I have certain minimum things that I need to do on a regular basis but as of yet everyone I have met and spent time with have been more than able to accommodate those needs. Interestingly, when M and I were talking about some severe forms of punishment that we’d seen in foreign videos she was interested yet scared of some of the intense nipple torture that they were trying. She wanted to see what pins in her nipples breasts felt like. What was interesting is that after trying some of this, she found that these particular acts did not come anywhere near her list of the most painful punishments. She found that the clamps at the very tips of her nipples were far worse than the pins. The funny thing is while I like clamps on nipples and never let my slaves off easy by placing the clamps back behind their nipples, I also don't look to put them on the very tips which I know would be incredibly painful. The time M is thinking of is the first time I made her put tight clamps on her own nipples. She'd never done anything like that before and wasn't sure how to place them and she put them too far forward. When she felt how painful they were immediately became, she realized she'd made a mistake, but being the excellent submissive that she is, she did not even reach to take them off but instead began begging me to take them off or allow her to remove them because they were so painful. I made her wait several seconds while I considered it, and then I removed them and was extremely pleased that despite the immediate urgency of the pain it did not occur to her for even a second that she should remove the clamps without first getting my permission. Since she'd worn nipple clamps many times in the past and could tell what pain to expect ahead of time,(usually minor until they were left on for some time or severe if they had weights attached), she was so unprepared for the level of pain she felt because the clamps were in the wrong spot that she has remembered that little incident for a long time after it occurred. I remember it to this day for other reasons, because that was near the beginning of her training, but she was so eager to please me and so genuinely submissive that her standing there in pain begging me to take off the clamps but unwilling to remove them herself without permission, was so exciting that I still think about it. Now, you might be thinking a slave shouldn't remove clamps if they hurt, it's up to the master and that’s true. If I had put the clamps on her and they hurt I would not expect her to do anything but beg for mercy. The difference is, she placed them where she thought she should, not where she thought would be least painful, and since she clearly put them on wrong, it would not seem unreasonable for her to think she could readjust them herself. But once she did as I commanded, it was clearly unthinkable for her to risk disobedience by readjusting them in any way without permission. I think it's a subtle difference but spoke to her commitment to her submission to me. Whether you're in a casual physical relationship or in a deeply committed partnership the needs, desires and concerns of the slave are as important as the master’s. This does not mean there should not be negotiation and limits testing. Ultimately, if a slave didn't like the same things I did it would probably be hard to have a long term relationship. However, that does not mean that the slave and I have to be 100% compatible on every issue. I knew a girl, slave T., she loved bondage, nipple torture and crawling around on collar and leash. Since I like all that too there was no problem there. However, for some reason, she couldn't really handle anything more than a mild spanking. She also was not a big fan of anal sex. The inability to take a hard whipping was a bit problematic given my proclivities. I have to say that because she wanted to be with me, during our short time together, she asked to be trained in taking harder whippings and anal insertions. We were working with different whips and small to moderate butt plugs when we stopped seeing each other. I am pleased to say that because of her positive attitude our sex life was not related to our breakup. It was for other plain-vanilla incompatibilities. Had she been completely unwilling to address the issues however, it might have been another story. If there is supposed to be a chance of a permanent relationship; I would never say her feelings were unimportant, but I know my needs and desires are going to be at least equally important to me. If either one of us is going to be significantly dissatisfied it's just not going to work out, just as if I tried to force her to do things she didn't want to do---- it would no doubt become a relationship breaker for her. Sometimes, when I am looking around the internet, it's hard for me to tell when I'm reading blogs about 24/7 and domestic discipline what the agenda actually is. These people seem to feel that their spouse knows better and is in a position to help them be better people through corporal punishment. It is often not clear to me if the person being punished is enjoying it at any level or if there is anything sexual about it. Sometimes they write about the fact that after they get punished they get fucked, but it's not clear to me that the punishment enhances anything for them, although it seems clear that the person doing the punishing likes to do these things. (Right? If neither of them is enjoying it just what are they doing there???) I know I have been involved in things where the person is doing them because they want to please me. At some point or another every submissive with me has probably been punished a bit more painfully than they would choose if they were always in control of the level of pain. Even though she was clearly excited I believe M would never have been with another woman if she wasn't my slave. So I am not looking to make value judgments about anybody, I'm just trying to understand what motivates some of the people to be involved in the same kind of activities I enjoy so much, when their rationale appears to be so different from mine. Take some of the girls asking me questions in emails, from the tone of them, some of them seemed surprised at the level of concern I have for what my slave is thinking, feeling and concerned about. Is this coming from relationships they've been in? The submissive women who've been with me are people I care about and am attracted to and we share common interests and goals. This isn't a fiction book or a movie, this is real life and they are real people. If they ceased being real people and became my mindless punching bag I don't think that would be good for either of us. Also, forgetting for a moment that these are real people with real feelings and their own desires in life, there are real benefits for both of us that everything isn't so easy or black-and-white. If I thought M would unquestioningly AND uncaringly do anything I command, it would not have been as exciting for me when she was with another woman because I would not think a small piece of her is a bit embarrassed by the whole thing. However, it would also not be exciting for me if she did these things for me and drew no enjoyment from them herself. During any of these scenes I could check her at any time and she was always very wet and despite any protestations or feigned hesitancy, she always performed eagerly. If she weren’t responding in that way we would not have continued, and I think it's important that we both knew this. Everything I do with submissives, including testing limits and stretching boundaries, is consensual. However, this doesn't mean I sit down with my slaves before or after we're together and negotiate every move. For a lot of us this would kill the mood anyway. I can tell from their reaction usually what's working and what isn't. If something is really not good for one of them I will usually hear some time after the event. If something is unacceptable but somehow we hadn't discussed it yet, I imagine anyone I was with would let me know immediately. That has never come up before because a lot of talking goes on at the beginning of a relationship, even if it is based primarily on D/s. Hopefully this answers the questions that I've been receiving for anyone who might have had them also but hasn't emailed me directly.