Tuesday, April 20, 2010
In my experience with submissive girls and women of all ages, I have found certain consistencies. Many had the interest or desire long before they understood it, they did not know where to get reliable information about this and did not know how to find help safely. They did not understand what limits were reasonable, what was expected of them if they planned to submit, or how to ensure their safety in new situations. I also found when I first started looking, that it was very difficult to meet girls with my interests---until I found out that just meeting girls meant I would meet some with my interests. The internet has made things appear easier, but I think, and this experience is borne out when I speak to others, that it has also complicated the matter, allowed for a lot of predation and lies and has not helped make anything safer. I feel my experiences, because they are varied without being inappropriately numerous, might shed some light on these issues. Certainly, as a dominant it is in my vested interest to help these processes along. Since relationships are complicated, you cannot, or choose not, to stay with people just because the D/s is great, I can’t always ask the submissives I have been involved with to contribute to these blogs. Therefore I have also been contacting submissives I can find from various groups I have come across online to offer their suggestions, contributions, help, comments or criticisms. I have had a great many visits to the blogs, and am hopeful as I post more that this will bear fruit. I have been getting some emailed questions and comments which were very thoughtful and inquisitive. I am hopeful that some of them will also ultimately contribute. They are, so far, the youngest and least experienced and that may explain both their inquisitiveness and hesitation. In answer to the mosr common concerns; first, I am a consultant and have nothing to do with the business of D/s. I am not secretly representing any sites nor creating a site to sell D/s gear. After that they were mostly interested in a) am I just doing this to meet submissive girls, or b) was I willing to meet anyone? While I am a human being like anyone, and am always interested in meeting people, the main thrust of this was I am trying to make the kind of blogs I could have used when I started out, if the internet were available. I have yet to see a site that really addressed the nuts and bolts of beginning and none that have detailed initial experiences, including thoughts, concerns and actions. If I can do this successfully, I hope that new submissives and dominants everywhere will be safer when they understand what they want, how to seek it safely and when everyone understands what they need and what is reasonable to expect from their partners. It is sometimes difficult for eager participants to negotiate what they fantasize with what other human beings can actually and willingly provide. So can this blog be all things for all people? No, but maybe it will be useful to some and enjoyable to others.
Monday, April 19, 2010
In the sister to this blog, I wrote about this young nurse I knew, nurse M I call her, and how she and I first entered into a D/s relationship. In actuality it was more complicated than a simple D/s relationship. In bed M. was submissive but certainly not passive. She didn't just lay there, if I put something in front of her she knew what to do with it. I could tell her what I wanted and she would comply. When I felt like it, I could punish her and she could take a severe amount of pain. However, despite all of this she was not what you could really call a slave or even very submissive. She wouldn't wear a collar and leash, would not crawl around the floor for me, neither addressed me as master or sir, made it clear she did not intend on doing anything with another woman for me, and would not even lap water out of a bowl on the floor. She was the first that I imposed the particular (and favorite)humiliation of using her asshole as a candle holder, but that was only because she was already bent over with her hands tied behind her back and probably had no idea what I was shoving up her ass. She was always very anal ,loved anything I did back there. When I entered her it used to hurt her terribly, she would beg and carry on, but nothing ever got her as wet as when I was taking her roughly back there. Nevertheless, though she loved any attention I gave her asshole, she refused to touch it herself when I made her play with herself for my entertainment. So you can see, she was exceptional in many ways, but lacking in some. For unrelated reasons we eventually broke up. We would not see each other for a few years. When we finally did get back together, she was a changed person. That is why I am writing this post for the training blog. I made it clear if we were going to try this relationship again, I expected some things to be different. I have to admit everything was much more complicated than this. I could always tell from the way her body responded that she enjoyed submission, humiliation and punishment much more than she could ever admit. She grew up in a religious and relatively uptight home. I think she felt guilty about some of the things she enjoyed. I was frustrated the first time around by her ability to submit and take punishment for failure to give herself over completely to the submission and to me. I started to explain to her how I felt and what I would like, but she cut me off. She said it was difficult for her to talk about but that she understood what I was referring to. She said she was prepared to do anything I wanted and take anything I did to her. “Anything?” I asked. “Anything” she answered, looking down at the floor. I started to explain that a blanket statement like that could leave her open to----, but she cut me off and said she understood what the word "anything" meant. I said I realize that but surely she needed to discuss limits, possibly on some levels of pain and certainly in ways I would make her perform. I remembered her past caveat about other women, and though this was something I would like, it was also a reasonable limit to be placed in a relationship. However, she stopped me again and said she would leave it to me to set her limits and keep my slave safe. She had never used that word before, though I threw it around occasionally, and then looked into my eyes a moment, then looked down at the floor and said very softly…”Master.” I thought for a few moments and then said: “in the past you said you’d never wear my collar and leash or crawl around on the floor. Now you claim you’ll do anything I say. I guess you spoke to soon, eh slave?”
“Yes sir” she replied.
“I consider that mistake a criticism of what is important to me. What do you think I should do about that?"
“I should be punished for that.” She said.
“And you shall be.” I said. “Now you claim you'll do anything I say, yet you always had so much trouble touching yourself anywhere I demanded, even your breasts or between your legs, but you could never and would never spread your cheeks and touch yourself back there, or put anything into your asshole at my command. Now all of a sudden you're going to be able to do it?” I asked.
“Some thing’s still may be difficult for me. Touching myself, violating myself back there for you to watch, speaking the way you want to hear, using some of the words you want me to and being with other women , are all among the things I imagine you will have to teach me to do as you like. I imagine training your slave will be a task, albeit troublesome, that you could find some enjoyment. I was very inexperienced when we met and you taught me a great many things. Now you would have the added benefit of knowing you can train me in anything at all and punish me as harshly as you want for any failure or transgression.”
This is pretty much what was said and the way it went. Obviously it was more complicated and involved. It seemed she loved being submissive and being punished, and she also knew there were many things she did not give me the way I would have liked. It wasn't that she suddenly wanted to do all these things that she wasn't particularly interested in before. It was her belief that part of the reason I broke up with her was dissatisfaction and that satisfying me and making me happy outweighed some unpleasantness that she might experience with the handful of demands she had never complied with before. She thought this might be the way to make sure she got what she wanted from our relationship. To her a little more pain, humiliation or a distasteful act or two, were not such big deals. Forgoing what she believed at the time could lead to happiness was a much bigger deal for her. This is why she presented me with the offer to Train Nurse M.
I am not here to debate or discourse on where our dominant and submissive impulses, fantasies and desires come from. If you need to know I cannot tell you where to look. Therapists do not understand it, though more are becoming accepting and less judgmental. Researchers are just now beginning to realize the scope of those into our "scene" and are nowhere near understanding it. We are on our own. I advise you to accept your desires and enjoy them. However, you need to be safe, within the context of the submission and punishment you crave. I think I have been so successful in finding and training submissive girls because, for one thing, there are a lot more out there than people used to think. The other is, though I am demanding, and quick to punish, I am safe and predictable. These are good qualities when you are going to let someone tie you up and hurt you, make you expose yourself publicly, or possibly have you engage in sexual contact with someone you do not know. All of these may be aspects of your submission, depending on the whims of you and your dominant, and therefore understanding your desires and limits, yourself and each other, is crucial. I always know and understand my slave's limits, and while I will always test them and try to expand them, I will never ignore them or severely exceed them. This goes for their limits of pain, humiliation, servitude and exhibitionism. SO for me, training starts when you understand what each other is looking for, what you each want, need and expect from the other. This can be limited submission or limitless pain-slavery...but whatever it is there can be no effective training without understanding.